1- Dr. Thoraya Kanafani from the Human Relations Institute in Dubai gives a&e readers advice and knowledge on relationship building and maintenance.
I advise every couple to attend premarital counseling sessions before getting married and even think that it should be required by law. Couples tend to think that once they are married or have children, the responsibility of a family will outweigh any other conflicts that lurk around. Unfortunately, once they have passed the honeymoon phase, and the wedding excitement has worn off, the real life of a couple begins rather than the Hollywood fantasy that usually wears off after several years. The so-called “Honeymoon phase” could last anything between 3, 6, or 12 months, which is usually the time when each person puts their best foot forward and keep the rest nicely hidden behind a façade of subjective perfection. Usually the problems start to kick in between 2 to 5 years into a marriage and sometimes people will suppress it or shun it off as something unimportant. After 7 to 9 years, suppressed feelings may begin to surface and this is when couples usually decide to come see a counselor.
2- Effective communication is key
The number one reason why strong disagreement and unhappiness arises in a couple, is the lack of proper communication. This also entails a lack of validation, or feeling understood, respected and having one’s emotions and thoughts acknowledged by the significant other. Pride and ego are two elements that lead to miscommunication, or the lack thereof. In the Arab culture particularly, this is very common when the woman works or one of the two comes from a family of high stature. “Why should I be the one compromising?” one asks. It’s not about one party compromising more than the other leading to the feeling of being taken for granted, it’s about two people in a couple letting go and putting the relationship before their ego. In relationships in general, the headline is effective communication.
Effective communication does not depend on location, it depends on your personality and what you’re willing to do and say. It could be a long distance or face to face relationship and still allow things to get lost in translation. After the honeymoon phase, you start to pick up the idiosyncrasies, or the peculiar traits and behaviors that are unique to them, and depending on how well you both communicate, you will either keep it in and go with it, or you’ll learn to adjust and move forward. Even if you have the illusion that you are completely similar to, or compliment your significant other in terms of your mindset, values and beliefs, you’re still two different human beings. The fact that you are two different genders, that makes you different human beings. When you put people with different upbringings with different lifestyles into one household, things can get very messy so waiting for things to get better later, causes more chaos. It could be something as simple as who does the cleaning and who does the cooking, versus something more complicated like how to raise your kids.
The rules of dating are different in the Gulf States, and for many in may seem “conservative.” The dating process here happens when a couple is officially “engaged” to be married. This period is seen as a time where two people are more committed to “making it work.” There’s a little more pressure since the families are also involved or aware, and research shows that arranged marriages have been more successful than so-called “Love marriages.” Most of the time the latter entails an unrealistic fantasy, a Hollywood idea of love where everything is supposed to be perfect and predictable.
3- Evaluation and acknowledgment
You have to be evaluated based on what you do in your marriage. When we’re kids, we get rewarded by our parents for doing things the right way. In school and during our higher studies, we go through the same reward process. Even when we enter the professional world, we get evaluated on a regular basis. In a marriage, it should be the same. You need to ask yourselves the following questions: “What am I doing that’s helping this relationship?” and ask your partner “what would you like me to do more of?” You have to be open to constructive feedback, as long as it is also expressed in a progressive manner. The more you evaluate your relationship, the more you learn how to better it.
Managing differences
There’s an underlying fear amongst people that if they are not perfect in the relationship, their significant other is going to walk away from them. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there is such a thing as an affective relationship. What you must strive for, is an affective relationship, with open and honest communication. In this circle, everything should be shared so that he or she does not need to look elsewhere. When communication is broken down, whether emotionally or physically and it is not talked about, some people will resort to searching for fulfillment outside the boundaries of the relationship. You must acknowledge that your partner has a different thought process and belief system, without necessarily agreeing with it. If there has to be a decision made, then there has to be a level of compromise, and a middle ground must be found. It’s nice to joke about the small differences, because sense of humor is very important in order to defuse the situation and minimize the effect of defensiveness.
4- True love and commitment
When we think of relationships in general we have to think of them from two different sides, we have to think of the love side and the commitment side. Under the love side, we have to start with trust and respect, once we have a good amount of those two elements then we get to vulnerability, if you feel like you can be emotionally vulnerable, physically vulnerable and all other types of vulnerable with that person without them throwing things in your face, that’s when you can start moving to the next stage which consists of intimacy and friendship. Considering all these factors, that’s when you know true love exists in the relationship. The other side of the relationship is commitment. Here is where you start to share different things such as values, morals, customs, ethics and traditions. Both the commitment and the love side together is what makes an affective relationship.
5- One team: Supporting one another
When it comes to external family interference, you have to maintain the idea that the relationship between you and your partner is the initial relationship. The support must be in that circle before it’s anywhere else, the support for one another should always be there even if there is no agreement. It’s always advised not to discuss or share different views on a topic that is being disagreed on by the in-laws for example. Maintaining a united front is very important. If you’re going to talk to your family about something that has to do with your marriage, make sure you have discussed it with your spouse first.
6- The most important points to discuss before marriage
Everybody should go through pre-marital counseling before getting married because it’s important to see those things early on. The goal is not to determine if it’s the right person for you, but to solve communication problems and other conflicts so that you don’t have to deal with them later on. Topics like child rearing and the level of involvement of the families including in-laws and siblings, should be discussed beforehand. The idea of one person not appreciating the money being worked for and spending without consideration and concern, is another important topic related to finances. The flipside to this, is being too concerned about finance to the point where the working spouse is not giving their time and energy to the family. The fact of the matter is that you are two different genders, which is complicated enough because women and men process information differently, feel information differently and speak about information differently. Then you have the many different things such as family, social and cultural exposure, which are going to affect the way you behave after marriage. A relationship has to be worked on, and worked on well. In order to do this effectively, you must listen, acknowledge, validate and communicate.
Interviewed by Houry Seukunian
